Not My Candle
by deanwinchesterprays
Summary: A story about a broken family and the two sisters who found their only solace in each other - even as one of them was slowly slipping away. M for the incestuous Bellatrix/Narcissa relationship, and for abuse. Not for the squeamish; it'll get quite dark.
1. Memories Burning

__I obviously do not own these characters. I'm not sure where this story is coming from exactly. All I know is that my mind is going crazy with the need to get these words onto paper. If this interests anyone out there, feel free to contact me, to review, or whatever you wish. It's nice knowing my words have some effect on people - good or bad. I'll also take this moment to say that the relationship between Bellatrix and Narcissa in this story might develop into something incestuous. If that bothers you, well, don't read it. Even if it is one sided for the most part, I still feel like a warning was in order even though it's stated in the summary and rated M. Well, enough for the rant, huh? And with that, here is a story that my mind desperately needed to tell.__

Nothing felt real anymore.

At least, that's how she saw it. If there was a way to fly away from here, Narcissa would never hesitate. Everything was burning here; burning figuratively – but still burning to a point beyond recognition. The film reel that was the blonde's memory was melting, smoking, crumpling as everything seemed to smoke and blend together. The smoke was blending because nothing actually mattered. Not now anyway; not now, when she was about to be forced into a marriage she didn't actually want.

"He's pureblood," Bella had said, months ago, as if that was everything.

It should have been everything. But to Cissy, it wasn't. He was dark and twisted, just like Bellatrix. They both had that same set of ideals that had always sickened her stomach.

What did being pureblood matter? It wasn't as if she could tell the difference just by looking at a person. With that logic, everyone could lie and say they were pureblood. Shouldn't that be how the world worked; blind to differences that weren't even noticeable to the naked eye?

Children were supposed to be innocent – and for some reason, Cissy had never lost this idea of being curious towards other kinds of people. She was like a child, in that respect. Always wondering and questioning. Even if she never questioned aloud – she had very intimate thoughts about the world.

Unlike herself, Bella had lost her childlike innocence years ago. She was dark and twisted now, almost as if she really were crazy.

Narcissa didn't want to believe that – not her Bella. Not her sister. There had been so many good times when they were little – but her parents started to say things…little hints about how they should feel about the world. Being the oldest, Bellatrix had taken every word they said to heart. She didn't want Bella to be crazy – she wanted the sister that used to tell her stories back. Granted, that had been many, many years ago.

As Bella's mind deteriorated, her beauty had gone with it. The raven haired girl used to be stunning; like an angel. Like Narcissa's own personal angel – the one to lead her through the dark forest that was life.

But she was crazy now, and life remained dark.

Narcissa Black had to be her own light. But if the truth were to out, Narcissa was never very good with courage or strength. She wasn't a very good candle. Always burning out at the wrong moments, always backing down when she had something to say.

It was the pureblood way, after all, to follow orders. She was good at that, outwardly, even though she was fighting herself for it on the inside every day of her damned life.

Her damned life that had taken her sister from her and forced her into a relationship that wasn't healthy.

Nothing was healthy though, when it concerned _Him._ The one person Bellatrix loved now; the one who received all of her attention and effort. The Dark Lord, as he called himself, was the only object of her entire family's attentions.

Although Cissy loved her sister to pieces, Bella would never love her back. Not again, anyway, when love was something the Dark lord spat on.

The kind of love Bellatrix possessed now was hideous – ugly.

It was a love stronger than the sisterly bond they had possessed when they were children. A love that had consumed Bellatrix Black so completely, that she would hurt anything – even family – to have that love reciprocated.

But what Bella didn't understand is that the Dark Lord couldn't love – could never return her feelings in his quest for immortality and ultimate power. The Dark Lord could never love another, because he was too in love with himself.

Maybe it wasn't really Bella that was crazy. Maybe she herself was, for thinking the pureblood ideology was severely flawed, even though it was the only way of life she had ever been taught.

Perhaps in time she could learn to love Lucius.

Perhaps she could learn to be accepting of her fate, of her destiny to be Narcissa Malfoy – nothing more than Lucius Malfoy's trophy.

But never, could she learn to love that which Bella loved. Never could she devote herself to murdering helpless victims, all in the name of "cleansing the magical race."

Narcissa was shaking, her hand on the glass turning blue from the cold. She'd been outside thinking for too long. For more than an hour, at least.

The young woman closed the curtains and returned to bed for the night, expecting Lucius to come visit her in the later hours. He always did; wanting to make her happy, wanting to gloat about how macho he was for killing off another Muggleborn. She could never bring herself to use the foul word he and Bella did. It was poison to her - unnecessary.

Narcissa always told him lovely though, keeping herself at a distance from him until he whined about needing her.

Purebloods are supposed to be good at following orders.

Narcissa always obliged.


	2. Unexpected

Narcissa could still feel her, even after sleeping with Lucius. She had sat upright almost immediately after her eyes had opened, torn from sleep by the mere memory of things that had happened years ago.

Bella.

It was no surprise that Lucius had already left and went home; probably having apparated out of her bedroom in the early hours of the morning to avoid having to deal with her parents. If they knew they had been together sexually, they'd have a fit about her not staying pure until marriage.

But she hadn't been pure ever really. Cissy supposed she had Bellatrix to thank for that. It was sickening to think about how dependent she could be on her, no matter how much she disproved of the way the raven haired beauty needed her. What was more sickening was how much the blonde liked being needed.

It simply wasn't right – but it was always, always better than what she had with Lucius. Better, if only because Bellatrix had been the only one to care for her when she was young; even in the sickest, most disturbing of ways. She'd never really given her consent, just simply stopped fighting the impossible.

There was no one that could make her feel more loved, more needed, and more insignificant than Bellatrix.

Even as Narcissa shook herself in bed, dressing quietly as her thoughts assaulted her, there was no escape from what Bella had done to her. The…imprint she left on her, as if she was forever marked as the girl's property.

She was still here, all around her, even though the idea of her being in the manor now was completely preposterous. Mother would have a fit if Bella started visiting. Although her mother was absolutely horrendous, Bellatrix was slowly starting to lose touch with reality. It'd be stupid to deny it, no matter how much she wanted to; and the Blacks couldn't have that kind of tarnish on their reputation.

Maybe it was better that she had stopped answering her letters – stopped her communications with her completely, under the guise of Rodolphus' wishes to spend more time with her. Narcissa knew this was absolute shit; knew that it was really Him that was making her sister pull away.

She hated him for it.

Everything had been stolen from her. Everything. Every ounce of happiness she could have ever had was blasted because of him, or because of what he believed in. But wasn't it all stupid anyway? Wasn't it all some big joke to make purebloods feel like they were actually better than other people, simply because of their….inbreeding lineage?

That's all it amounted to in the end. Incest. Somewhere down the line, all purebloods were related. It was revolting, and yet…she couldn't help wondering if that was why Bellatrix was going insane.

If that was why Bellatrix sought things from her that she should not – could not – give. Cissy would always give her the love she possessed, but nothing else was morally right to offer her.

Then again, what the hell did morals mean anymore? What did morals mean, when her sister was killing innocent people and her fiancé' was soon to follow in her torturous footsteps?

Maybe the world meant nothing.

Maybe the world was quite literally a place that didn't hold any value for the Black family.

She was writing another letter to her sister, unable to stop herself. She hadn't seen her in months, and was praying her husband was being good to her. Not that her sister would ever admit otherwise, but still. Cissy would at least try and pretend she meant enough to her sister that she deserved some truth.

"I miss you." The words weren't enough when they were only in ink. The meaning of the three words written sunk deeper than what was expected. Narcissa did not only miss her sister because of the months of distance – she missed her sister. The sister that wasn't completely deranged. The sister that had wanted to take care of her, and see to it that she was always happy and safe.

Bella didn't even know that she was engaged yet, as far as she knew. Or that she'd lost her virginity – truly – with another. She'd be mad of course; mad at her even when she had no right to be, after what she'd said to her the day she'd stopped speaking.

The sixteen year old couldn't bring herself to write anything more, at a loss for actual words. Words meant nothing, as Bella had thrust in her face so many times. Cackling as she took what wasn't hers – and always with that damn, twisted smile plastered across her face like she'd won a prize.

"I don't hate you. Visit…please. Love, Cissy." Again, she spoke the words out loud as she wrote, as if to further validate their meaning and purpose. As if that would make her words worth more, despite the truth of words being so painstakingly simple, unable to solve anything.

Narcissa's letters weren't always this pathetically short – but her patience was growing thin with her sister, having no idea as to what Bellatrix was up to. Having no idea if she still meant what she'd said all those months ago.

She sent the letter off and leaned back onto the pillows, feeling exhausted even though she'd just woken up. She'd tried to write Andromeda, but to no avail. Andy still believed she hated her for dating Ted. Cissy didn't hate her for her relationship choices – she hated her for being selfish and not thinking about the rest of the family when she'd left. For thinking about where that would leave her, being the youngest.

Bella must have known things would get worse without her. But sometimes, it was hard to understand her reasons for leaving.

Sleep. Maybe all she needed was more sleep, to feel better. To feel normal, like nothing was wrong with her life. Like her sister would come in at any moment, ready to hold her, to help her, to make her problems, her sadness, her sickly feelings go away. Sickly because she knew this was wrong. The thoughts she had brought tears to her eyes before she forced them shut tight again.

That was, until she heard a voice that didn't belong to her.

Not even close.

"Fuck." The blonde's head shot up fast, her eyes opening and seeing the face of the woman she had just written to; the woman who was holding a freshly opened letter as Cissy tried not to scream while Bella's lips pressed a kiss to her head. "And I thought," another kiss, this one lingering as if it was a deadly, intoxicating threat, "That I'd made myself clear when I talked to you all those months ago."

But nothing was ever clear, and Narcissa couldn't help swallowing back more tears as she turned to face her sister for the first time in nearly half a year.

"Bella."


	3. Comforting

_Warning, once again. There is incest in this chapter, although not very detailed or explicit. I can't promise it won't become detailed or explicit later. This is the last warning I will write in terms of incest. From here on out, you're warned for good. Also - there is implied abuse in this chapter. Abuse is going to be part of this story, both physical and sexual. If that bothers you, you shouldn't read this. This is the last warning I'm giving for abuse. Read at your own discretion - it's M for a reason. Anyway, I've ranted enough. Much love to my readers._

The voice of Narcissa was no longer cold and detached, as it had grown to be towards others. No, the blonde was actually quite nervous, unable to comprehend why Bella would randomly show up now. It wasn't something she could easily understand - indeed, it was something that was more than troublesome, as Bella continued to play with her younger sister's bright blonde hair.

"Cissy," she breathed, her voice cutting into the normally still air. It was an unnatural intrusion; and it was more than unsettling. Narcissa stared at her sister for a moment that seemed to drag on forever, before finally swallowing and forcing out more words that weren't just Bella's name.

"Why are you here?" The words were more cutting than she had meant to say them; far icier than what she'd intended to use as a greeting. There was so much she really wanted to say. So much to tell her, to ask her. She wanted to understand what had happened all those months ago; she wanted to understand why her only real comfort had suddenly disappeared, without so much as turning back for a second.

The dark eyes of Bellatrix Lestrange were unforgiving - so unlike the sister Cissy had once known. For a long moment, there was no answer. Only a terrible silence that lingered in the bedroom like poison.

"That's not a nice thing to say." The words of Bella were dark and detached - in no way showing any emotion towards the younger blonde Bellatrix had previously been laughing at. "I should have thought," she continued, slowly, dragging every word out so as to make sure Narcissa was hanging onto her every sound, "After me being gone so long...you would have liked a visit from me."

Maybe that much used to be true. It should have been true, considering Bella had been the only one to help Cissy in need. But now, everything seemed different; different, because Bella was married. Married to a man that was only making her madness worse.

"I don't know what else you expected from me." The blonde's chest heaved, her breath coming in short, quick pants that indicated her distress. "I can't exactly say I'm happy to see the face that left me in the dark for so long, Bella."

That apparently, was the wrong thing to say.

"Take it back," Were the older sister's next words, her wand gripped tightly in her hand as she stood from the bed and glared down at the sixteen year old beneath her. "You have no idea as to what I've been through Cissy. None. So take it back, and drop the subject. You're lucky I came back at all."

At this, everything seemed to freeze. Neither one of the Black sisters uttered a word as Bella slowly calmed herself down, her eyes becoming less dark as she finally ended up on the bed again. The older sister didn't apologize though - she never did. Not for something she could swear she was right about.

"Right," Narcissa breathed. Her nod was brief and sarcastic. "You have no idea what I've been through either Bella. You have no idea as to what you've left me here to deal with."

Bellatrix stared at her younger sister for a long moment, studying her. She studied the way Cissy breathed, how much red was pooling in her cheeks – she studied her, because she was still beautiful. But even the dark haired girl had to admit there was something heart wrenchingly different about her sister's appearance.

Cissy was staring right back. It was easy to be angry with Bella when her physical presence had been lacking; now though, she was so terrifyingly close. And every feeling, every ounce of affection she'd kept at bay for so long, was threatening to destroy her angry resolve. Why should Bella receive a warm welcome, when she'd left her for so long? Left her to deal with him, Druella, and Lucius all on her own.

Although she wasn't weak, she had never been as strong as Bellatrix. There were already tears in Narcissa's eyes as her breathing finally slowed.

"I missed you, Bella. Okay? Are you happy now? I said it. You win. You can leave again."

Narcissa had curled her hands into tightly balled fists, keeping them at her sides as she looked her sister straight in the face; she wasn't afraid of her. Even after all the two had been through, there was no way she could ever – truly – be afraid of her.

"Come here." The two words sounded thick, as if the older girl hadn't used this particular tone in a long time. Narcissa hadn't hesitated. She was in her older sister's embrace in only a second, burying herself into the only body that had ever offered her comfort. Bella stared down at the blonde, swallowing as she tried her best to disassociate herself from the situation at hand.

But she couldn't – Cissy helped her insanity. Cissy helped her find something worth being…sane for. If what they had was truly sane. And Bellatrix often doubted that. "Shh," she breathed, almost harshly, but knowing Cissy would understand. "It'll be fine. Kay? Just…my god, what has he done to you?"

Narcissa could feel her hands on her arms, her fingertips tracing the bruises hidden beneath her nightgown. "How could you not know," the sixteen year old whispered, "That once you and Andy were gone, I would be next?" Her pale blue eyes bore into Bella's darker ones – which appeared as though they were darkening even further, right before her eyes. "It doesn't matter," she shook her head, tearing her gaze away from the painful shock of her sister. "It doesn't matter. You said it yourself, that pain helps a person grow into a better person. I thought you'd –"

"Not you, Cissy." Bella cut Cissy off, harshly. "Not you. This wasn't supposed to happen to you."

They were silent again, for another long minute. Neither of them knew what to say to the other. It didn't matter though – not while Bella was really here, to help take the pain away. Not when Bella was here, to kiss her, to make things alright again, in the only sick way they knew how.

What was even sicker was how much Narcissa longed for this – for the affection. For the real, tangible love. It brought her back to their younger days. Back to the days where they were just discovering their love.

And just discovering how terrifying it would be to watch Bella go slowly mad, with no way of stopping it. There was never a way to help her. She was mad until she snapped out of it – and there was no actual trigger.

"I love you," she forced out, through a kiss that was like fire. "You can't leave again. You can't."  
>And once Bella had kissed her again, over and over, she nodded.<p>

"I won't."

Remembering was hard. Remembering what had gotten them to this point was enough to make Cissy want to go insane too.


End file.
